She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
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