DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
