In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
