I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
