i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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