we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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