im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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