i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
