They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
