You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
