fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
