Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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