either way he was missing a nipple.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
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He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
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So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
That was before I lit my hair on fire
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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