Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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