i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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