he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
