Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
