i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
