you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
