Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
