I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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