you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
