she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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