no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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