you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
