**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
