ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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