3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
