She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
