Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
