At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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