I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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