Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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