im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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