I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize