i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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