just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
