i always forget guys have bellybuttons
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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