just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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