you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize