I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
