I wannas sexs uuuuu
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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