need another drink. this is the easiest way
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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