If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
