My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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