I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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