Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
