Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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