my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think my fart just growled at me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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