You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
