The maid of honor just puked.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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