WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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