I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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