Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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