I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
