if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
